I ramble on using bigger words than normal, analyzing situations and people in a tone that makes even me believe myself. And, perhaps in all honesty, those conversations that I have during these periods do make more sense. This particular aspect of this awareness seems to come more often and in smaller chunks than do the rest of the following.
I become very self aware, on a few levels. Mistakes that I make are even bigger to me and the fear that I've hurt someone or said too much or the wrong thing is even larger than normal.
I sense the aches and pains in my body on a higher level and wonder things like, "Is this headache because I have a brain tumor?" I fear cancer, so it's only natural that every pain is associated with that.
The fear of possible illnesses plagues me. Both cancer and Alzheimer's run in my family. I have always feared death. But the possibiliy of forgetting who I am, forgetting the people I love, forgetting the memories I've made makes me cry even now, sitting here in my office.
I think much more about potential mistakes, and overanalyze them in a negative light. These situations have come in different forms: things such as school, job positions, career choices, and men are among the things I over-think during these times.
Life just seems more real to me. Every moment is larger, objects are more tangible, my eyes feel more open.
But yet, everything seems more hazy and confusing. Despite the fact that everything seems more real, I have less of a hold on reality. I think much more on the samller fragments of life, losing sight of even where they fit into the bigger picture.
Worries and fears, once small, loom large over me and I come to be quite dominated by them.
I attribute this mostly to having a consistent time frame of less sleep. Times at Camp have promoted this pattern, as did college. It magnifies almost everything.
It makes me scared, and I miss my happy-go-lucky-ness.
Alright, moment gone.
On a lighter note, I DO NOT need to be sent to a mental institution. :-D
Ok, one of the things that can help me shake this is to think of happer things. So, I need to stop typing here, and go back to work!!